THE SPILLED GUTS SYNDROME

A Colt Adventure?

by Don Secrease

There she is.

Not alone though. Two uniforms... and a plainclothes with her. She’d been inside that damn police station for hours... hauled in some two-toned skin goof.

Oh, yeah. I recognize him now. Saw him on that 'Most Wanted' show one time. Believe he’s known on the street as ‘Pinto’ Williams, some smalltime punk who lucked in on a coupla big mob jobs. Thinks he’s hot shit.

Heh! Heh! Too bad, punk. The little redhead got your number.

Oh! There goes Joe Plainclothes. That’s it. Now get rid of the other two.

Look at her. Gotta hand it to her, she is one helluva looker even if she does wear that stupid mask.

Funny. She looks smaller in real life. Heh.

Won’t be long now. That ass is goin’ to be mine. I’m here to give you a surprise, honey, a big, 4 gram surprise.

Okay, okay. Finally. What is it with these coppers anyway? They think all women melt over uniforms or what? Better you boys get turned down now. In a few minutes you won’t recognize her. This merc-pill’s gonna make salsa outta that face and confetti outta that long ass hair of hers.

Here we go.

Okay, Colt, baby, here’s to my bonus. Pact’s gonna be happy to shit gold bricks for your bounty....

OWWW!!?

What th’ fu..!!?? That hurt, goddammit! What the hell hit my rifle??!

Geez, look at that barrel! Something hit it... but what??

Fingers sting like hell. Damn! I think my goddamn pinkie’s broke. Didn’t hear a damn thing!

Silencer? Who? Who knows I’m even up here?

Anybody down below hear?.. Dammit, anyway! Colt’s gone! She can’t know I’m here.

Well, sheeit, I’ve got no target and, now, I think I am one! So much for tonight’s fun. I’m getting out of here while the... What’s that?! That a shadow moving by the rooftop door?

“I’m on your right, handsome.”

Who the hell-- Too late! Whoever’s here just got the drop on me. Damn me for being so sloppy. Nobody could’ve gotten this close to me. Nobody!

“Shy, quiet kind, eh? Didn’t scare you sneaking up, did I? Now be a nice boy and set that big, juicy gun of yours down. That’s it.”

She’s got the drop on me so I’m doing as ordered.

Got just enough light to make the outlines of my guest. I can tell by the voice it’s female but, brother, no Nascar driver in the world can make these curves. Funny, can’t quite make out her face... Huh? She’s wearing some kind of mask! Another dame with a mask.

Just my luck.

“Nice outfit, handsome. Black leather, cool vest... interesting rifle. Special-made, no doubt. Got a name?”

I shrug. No way I’m giving her my real name. I recognize her mask now. This is not good.

“Steeljacket.”

“Steeljacket? Steeljacket... Nope, never heard of you, handsome.”

I shrug again, “No big deal. Just a code name the Pact assigns me whenever they hire me for a job.”

“Freelance. Not a Pact company man, huh? Hmm, yeah. I can see that.”

She keeps looking at me. Now I’m beginning to see her eyes. She wearing a full face mask but I can see her damn eyes. Somewhere, somehow, a tiny stream of light crosses that glossy, ivory mask and her eyes sparkle.

It’s not a good sparkle.

They shift from me to the police station below... now back to me... now she’s scanning the rooftop.

I try moving my little finger. Ouch! Dammit! Hurts like hell.

“Well... Steeljacket... Looks like we got ourselves a problem.”

She’s not telling me anything new.

“What problem? Just trying to do a job. What about you? What’re you doing up here?”

She’s not answering. Gotta admit she’s freaking me out a little. That mask of hers is bugging me. I know I’ve seen her... No, no, read about her. She’s Dollface... a real loony-bin.

“Maybe the same reason you’re here, handsome... maybe not.”

I don’t like this. Rifle’s useless... finger’s broke.

“Got a contract too, lady? Or is this one of those personal vendettas?”

“But I don’t even know you.” She’s cackling with laughter even as she’s saying this. She think she’s a damn comedienne or something? What’s so funny?

“I know you and Colt have this ongoing tug-of-war, but a job is..”

“You don’t know jack, Jack!”

She’s spitting mad. I hit a nerve here.

Dollface has got that nine millimeter not six feet from my head. No way I can make a grab for it. Gotta get my blade from my boot somehow. Be nice if she was a talker.

“So I don’t know jack. Why don’t you fill me in? Why is she so special to you?”

She sighs but doesn’t lower that cannon.

“Honey, you don’t know the half of it.”

I move slightly. Partly to visibly make myself more comfortable, partly to get in a better position for some slight-of-hand.

“You’ve spoiled my shot, my target’s gone, and I got nothing better to do right now. So tell me ‘the half of it’.”

“You’re a nosy-Nelly, aren’t you, Jack? What? You get off hearing sad, sob stories from girls with big guns? There’s a lot to tell and I don’t think we’ve got the time for it.”

She’s waving that damn gun around. I’m getting a little nervous.

“Give me the condensed version, Doll. Tell me what makes Colt so special that you have to have her all to yourself.”

“At one time, I did... I did have her all to myself.”

Whoa! What the hell is she stammering on about?

“So you two are related or something? What’s the beef?”

She looks straight at me, levels the cannon between my eyes. Sweet Mary and Joseph, she’s gonna cap me right here, right now.

“Typical asshole of a man, aren’t you? Shouldn’t expect any more than that, though, should I? As a teenager, I was a runaway. Got caught up in the world of... you name it, I did it. For drugs... money... love.

“But I had one thing going for me, my looks. God, I was gorgeous! I hooked up with a guy who knew another guy who was a no-name photographer. He saw me and lights started going off in his greasy head. He took some artsy-fartsy shots of me and, all of a sudden, I’m the center of attention at posh digs and parties along with that photog slab of rancid meat. It was at one of these shitty parties he’s decided I owe him for being there and he and two of his ‘close’ friends push me out onto the vacant balcony.

“That’s when she arrived to save my ass. Not dressed up with her ivory pistols and mask or wearing that ridiculous slouch hat but in a smart business suit, kicking the shit out of these drunk, hoity-toity....”

“Bastards?” I’m offering. I imagine her smiling beneath that mask.

“Bastards. Thanks, Jack. Anyway, she takes me out of there. Drowns me in black coffee. Tells me her name is Valencia Kirk.”

Dollface knows Colt’s secret identity?! Why hasn’t she done something with this info?

“She was at the party as security for one of the other partygoers. You believe that? I mean, in her alter ego, that’s her job. Security. Kinda cool how she decided to dedicate both identities to helping others, huh?

“Anyway, she said she saw a lot of her in me when she was growing up. Rebellious, trouble-maker, well, as much as she can be having been an army brat. We hit it off right away. Told me she’d lost her husband a year or two earlier and how she felt like she wanted to end it. But life, she said, had too much to offer her....

“She took me in, cared for me like I was her long, lost sister. I watched her... got to know her because she was what I thought I’d want to be.

“She had a lot of dates... saw a lot of men. It was almost as if she was searching for another Kevin... another deep, true love. I watched her... that was a mistake.”

She’s into this now. She’s looking my direction but through me. My boot top seems miles away still. Any sudden movement and my ass is gone. Gotta keep her going.

“Mistake?”

“That was when I knew I’d... when I knew I cared for her more than anything on this Earth. Now I wanted to protect her. These men were strangers, they didn’t care for Val. They used her then moved on.... and she let them.

“I remember It was a Thursday night. Late May. Kinda cool for that time of the year, especially in Virginia. Val... she was restful, tired from work. I brought her some wine, thought we’d talk a little. I offered to rub her shoulders, ease the tension.

“Jack, it was like electricity charging through my body. It was like we were magnetized in some erotic waltz. I never felt like that... ever. Two people couldn’t get any closer that night. It was a life change for both of us. And we were happy together. I found a 9 to 5 and we were totally ga-ga! Of course we couldn’t admit this to anyone. The security company, her military family. They weren’t ready to accept this life style. But I was happy to be where I was, so what was one more secret? I knew, in time, things would change.

“Yeah, I know what you’re thinking but it was more than that. Hell, I didn’t even find it odd when she kept peculiar hours and, at times, would come home with the oddest bruises. All part of the security job. ‘Til, by accident, I discovered her secret compartment at the house. Saw the weapons, the outfit, computer printouts.

“I can see now why she’d hid this part of her life from me. But then... then I was too hurt, too angry to think. Was I just another one of her secrets? I confronted her, she confessed, I let it go. I knew she was in the right, wanting to safeguard me. I loved her even more. When I approached Val about being her partner, help her bring in the freaks like Moon, or the deadheads like Trail Blazer, she stopped me cold. Val said she didn’t want me hurt. I stewed for a while but then something happened that... that destroyed my life... our lives.”

Come on, baby, keep talking.

“A piece of crap came floating back into my life. My old photographer friend called me one day. Said he had something I’d be interested in seeing. Told him I’d meet him in a private place and, remembering what happened the last time, left a note for Val telling her where I was going. Also borrowed something of Val’s.

“It was just like I figured. He fed me this line about needing me back, his business was in the shitter, blah, blah, blah... When I... politely... refused his invitation, he weirded out. Started laughing at me, saying I had to come back or else he’d blab about Val and me. He showed me pictures of Val and me, he’d followed us for weeks getting as much personal stuff as he could. Then he got to the piece de resistance... Somehow he got a shot of Val changing into her Colt outfit. Threatened to ruin Val’s life in more ways than one. Shoved them in my face then slapped me... for good measure, I guess, I don’t know.

“That’s all it took, Jack. It was like the roof fell in on me. Couldn’t catch my breathe. Everything was moving in slow-motion. I hit him back, he laughed. I hit him again. He just stood there and laughed like hell, his nose bleeding. I pulled out the pistol I’d taken from Val’s stash and shot him. I shot him until the gun was empty... I shot him until my finger cramped from pulling the trigger so many times... Jesus, I shot him until Val appeared and ripped the gun from my shaking hand.

“I looked at her, expecting to see softness and understanding and approval. What I got was a whirlwind of Val and men in black and military types shuttling me here and there... one secret place to another. Eventually, Val saved me from further mindless interrogation and what seemed like debriefing. That’s where I met my old friend, General Gordon. He and Val’s dad were tight.

“So now Val and I were back together... or so I thought. She wanted nothing more to do with me. Whatever feelings she had for me ended that night. She did what she could to keep me from prison... ‘self-defense’ was what the police report read. But now that part of my life no longer existed.”

“She didn’t brainwash you or nothing? You still know her, y’know... secret identity.”

“Val knew I’d never say anything. Somehow it wasn’t that important... still isn’t. Besides, nowadays, how hard is it really to create a new identity, a new life for yourself? Look at us, Jack.”

It’s information I plan to use the minute I slit your throat, baby.

“What about all the times you’ve tried to off her? That’s a strange way of lovin’.”

“That’s funny. But if I really wanted Colt dead, she’d have died a long time ago. No, I don’t want that, handsome. What I want is some pain and suffering. I want her jumping through some hoops. Soon there’ll be a reckoning and when my love has been completely exhausted and there’s no more to give and I have her laying in front of me, my gun at her head... that’s when this mask comes off and she realizes she’s destroyed every bit of happiness we shared.”

“Colt doesn’t know it’s her ex-girlfriend behind that mask?” Almost got that damn knife.

“She doesn’t. Funny, isn’t it? Colt has no idea she’s responsible for her most... archest of enemies. That was cute, wasn’t it?”

There goes that creepy, freakin’ laugh again.

“Y’know, Jack, they say your first killing’s the hardest. But not mine. Mine was the easiest. And that’s what keeps making it so easy... I see that asshole photographer’s face in every target.”

“Except for Colt, huh?”

“Did your mother ever tell you ‘Don’t cry over spilled milk’? They say what's done is done. You move on from there. Plan ahead. Only maybe it's not that easy.”

Got it! Now, baby, it’s all over but the dying.

“Pull that knife, Jack, and I pull this trigger.”

Uh-oh.

“You really want me to break another finger? Maybe something worse? Go ahead, touch that cold steel.”

“You’ve convinced me, Dollface. No need to pull any trigger. Hands in the air, see?”

"You're shaking, Jack."

"It's a little cold up here on this roof." Gotta buy some more time. She ain't tellin' me all this and lettin' me walk out of here.

"Awww. You wouldn't be scared of l'il ol' me now, would you, Jack?"

I'd be a fool not to be. "We’re here... alone... you got a gun aimed at my head. You can appreciate the predicament I’m in, can’t you? Why I thought I needed my own... um... defense.”

“Of course I can, Jack." She reaches behind her and, from her belt, produces a small silver flask. “Fortification against the chilly nights."

She tosses it to me with her free hand, the other never letting the pistol waver. "Can never tell when a girl will get the chance to entertain.”

“Hmm, still full, Doll. This your first stop?”

“Night’s young.”

I take a good long swig. Long enough to try and figure another plan for avoiding a bullet to the brain. I’m contemplating throwing the flask back at her, try to catch her off-guard. Still...with the ninety-five percent chance of her hitting anything attached to me...I don't like the odds. I gently toss the flask back to her.

“Been fun, Jack... Sorry, Steeljacket, but it's time to go our separate ways,” she's saying as she backs away from me.

“You’re not going to shoot me!?!”

“Oh, this gun? Point it out of habit. Of course I’m not going to shoot you. I never shoot handsome hit men on the first date.”

First date. Sheesh, goddamn comedienne. She really is wacko!

She’s shrugging her shoulders.

“How could I shoot somebody I’ve just confessed to or... lied to? I can never remember if that story is real or did I read it in some soap opera magazine?.... .. .... ......... ....."

“Wha? Whad you say? ... Yur.. too... far... ‘way..... Muh.. gu..un...”

Mus’ be gettin’ tired all uvasudden. Fingur stop hurtin’ anway... Dolll.. turn.. ‘roun..?

“Sorry, handsome. Didn’t hear me? I said, ‘I much prefer poisoning them’.”

Sh.. din..drin... fro.. flas..kk. Bi..t...tt..chhhh.......

..... ........ ... ............ ........

End

This story and the characters herein are copyright 2001 Don Secrease.